And I Don't Mean Lebanon

My cousin called me the other day. We had a nice chat. Covered lots of subjects. She thinks that her sister's daughter will be making a move because the girl believes that once her father finds out she's a Lesbian, he is going to have a major freak out. I thought this was odd. In spite of anything else, my family is the most open minded group of people I know when it comes to matters of one's sexual orientation. Hey, I've pushed the envelope WAY over the edge of the table on that one. Now, if my family only didn't contain so many Republicans.

Larry Is Now King

David Berkowitz, a.k.a. "The Son Of Sam," is releasing a book this fall chronicling his born again status. PRAISE JESUS! This announcement is on the heels of the announcement that Jennifer Willbanks, a.k.a. "The Runaway Bride" is releasing a book chronicling her infamous adventures. Now I'm a firm believer in the First Admendment - people should be able to say or write what they want. However, when I become King, my first edict will be that these "authors" will not see one penny made from their tomes. My second edict will be that anybody who purchases this crap has an immediate psychiatric evaluation.

Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me

Five of the American hostages held in Iran in the late 70's and early 80's have identified Iran's new President as one of their captors. Gosh, our President was only a drunk driver.

OUT

Hey George, the party is over. GET US OUT OF IRAQ. Invoking reminders of the 9/11 attack into your speeches in order to keep our fervor going is shameful. Save your pathetic rhetoric for the God-Squad crowd. Just get us out of Iraq.

"An Early Frost"

T.V. LAND is running an assortment of T.V. movies this month that origionally aired over the past several years. Tonight they ran the movie "An Early Frost," which origionally was shown in the mid 80's. It was the first depiction of the A.I.D.S. epidemic. It showed the prejudice and ignorance that accompanied this disease. It remains a powerful movie. Yes, it may be a bit dated - hey, the character that Gena Rowlands played was shown smoking a cigarette in a hospital hallway. But it reflected another shameful episode in American History. An episode that brought out both the worst and the best of our character. I remember when this movie ran for the first time. Immediately afterwards my phone rang. I thought it was a friend calling to talk about the movie. It was my mother calling from Wisconsin. She said that she AND my father had just watched the movie. Now there was one topic that my parents and I NEVER discussed. She told me that no matter what would happen to me, that they would be there for me. Mom often said some stupid and thoughtless things. This time she said something that both humbled and moved me. She said something that made me proud to have them as my parents.

ET, Don't Phone Home

Sarah Johnson. a 16 year old from Idaho, was convicted of the brutal shot gun deaths of her parents. So what hineous thing did her parents do to provoke such a violent respnse? They had the nerve to forbid her from seeing Bruno, her 19 year old drug convicted, illegal alien boy friend. Personally, I know of few people who hadn't wished that somebody would have forbidden them from seeing somebody some time in their lives. My favorite thing about this case was her bad Nancy Drew way of trying to cover up the crime scene. Placing the cruifex next to the murder weapon was a nice touch. When friends went over to the house to console her after the shootings, her concern was about Bruno and about getting a manicure because she had a chipped nail due to the assault. At least she takes pride in her appearance. Bye, bye Sarah.

E-Baying At The Moon

I have known people who's lives have spiraled out of control due to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, as well as other addictions. But there is a new addiction out there that is as alluring and powerful as the others. This one has no therapies, no 12 step programs. I'm talking about the addiction of.................E-Bay. Perhaps they started with the Home Shopping Network and then moved on to the harder stuff. All I know is that we are losing these people to this enticing vixen. I don't know what can be done. Can you help?

Easy Come........Easy Go

John Walton, son of discount store owner Sam Walton, died in a plane crash leaving an estimated worth of 18 billion dollars. I didn't know the man, so I really don't have an opinion regarding his loss. All I can say is, "Good night John Boy"...............oh yeah, and "Clean up on aisle 5."

Mix It Up Folks

Christians have been flocking to the Republican Party, like mosquitos to a bug zapper, because they want their Government to reflect their Bible based, Christian beliefs. The Bible makes over 300 references to helping the poor - nothing about gay marriage. Guess they got it mixed up.

Bad Monkey, Bad Monkey

The F.D.A. is investigating whether Viagra can cause blindness. I thought that only happens if you follow up taking the medication with a game of pocket pool.

Don't Rain Man On My Parade

Dear Tom Cruise: I wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed many of your movie performances over the years. You held your own with Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man." Your role in "Magnolia" may have been small, but it was wonderful. And the dance sequence that you did in your underwear in "Risky Business" will go down in movie history. I also want to wish you luck with your upcoming nuptuals - they say that the third time is a charm. As a side thought, your first wife and I share the same birthday. Now what I want to know is, what the Hell was with that interview you gave to Matt Lauer on "The Today Show?" You were annoying, patronizing and down right obnoxious, and they have replayed it on many of the assorted news shows by the way. You studied about anti-psychotic medications, so now you are an expert? There are people who have researched the subject their whole careers and there are still unanswered questions on the issue. Making such blanket statements as you did is arrogant at best. Thank you for your know it all expertice on the subject. Watch out for the flying rice.

The Greatest American?

The Discovery Channel ran a competetion for people to vote on who they thought was The Greatest American. Now I know that this is about as important to the grand scheme of things as voting for the next American Idol - actually, American Idol is a whole lot more entertaining. There were some people on the top 100 list that did puzzle me for being considered as the greatest. Dr. Phil, Brett Farve and Michael Jackson? They're GREAT? Actually, what really puzzled me was the person who made the number one spot - Ronald Reagan. People seem to have forgotten about Iran Contra, his do nothing attitude regarding the A.I.D.S. epidemic or his over all ineptitude. They probably are the same people who voted for George Bush last November.

Amway Is Not My Religion

On my Personal Profile page, under Occupation, I have myself listed as an Elvis Impersonator, Male Prositute and Amway Distributor. I was trying to be funny. I received a very pleasant e-mail from a woman who wanted information about selling Amway. Hey, I WAS JOKING. I may be a bit strange........I'm not a crazy person.

Ya, Ya, Ya

Ole, a farmer from Wisconsin, heard about a good deal on a cow owned by a farmer in Minnesota, so he got into his truck to go check it out. Well, the cow looked good, the price was good, so now Ole wanted to know how well the cow produced milk. He reached under the cow and squeezed one of it's teats. The cow farted. A bit startled, Ole squeezed another of it's teats and once again the cow flatulated. Well, everything else was fine so Ole bought the cow, loaded it on his truck and headed back to his farm in Wisconsin. Once he put the cow in his barn, Ole called his neighbor Sven over to see his new purchase. After taking a look at the cow, Ole told Sven to squeeze one of it's teats. Once again, the cow farted. Without batting an eye, Sven said, "This cow is from Minnesota." A bit surprised, Ole said, "'Ya, but how did 'ja know dat? Sven said, "Cuz my wife's from Minnesota."

Just Because There's Snow On The Roof............

An elderly Pennsylvania woman was charged with shooting her 85 year old fellow nursing home resident boyfriend because he was fooling around with someone else. She says that she's glad that she shot him and would do it again. Normally, I don't condone this type of behavior, but YOU GO GIRL!

Ounces Lighter.........Tons Better

Now that Michael's trial is over, the Jackson Family can finally relax..........they can stop pretending to look like they're a close-knit family.

Twisted............And Shout

Normally I wouldn't even comment on this type of behavior, but it underlines my belief that Christianity is populated with a bunch of sick, evil and demented individuals who only want to inflict the REAL world with their twisted views. Who am I kidding? I LOVE letting people know about this crap. The "Reverend" Fred Phelps of The Westboro Baptist Church in Boise, Idaho - he's the guy who has led protests at A.I.D.S. funerals as well as at the funeral for Matthew Shephard - has a new cause. He protests at funerals of American soldiers who have been killed in Iraq. His reason? The "Reverend" claims that the reason God has snuffed these people out is because HE is pissed about the moral decay in this country..... and HE wants to make a point. Protesting at A.I.D.S. funerals is sick. Protesting at the funerals for these brave American Servicemen is behavior that SHOULD be grounds for putting him in a rubber room for the rest of his life. God Bless Him.

O George, Where Art Thou

George Bush said that we are staying the course with Iraq in spite of American's support for being there dropping in the polls. Personally I have opposed our involvement there from the start, but hey, George is finally doing something Presidential. He was elected to LEAD us. He's The Big Cheese - The Great Kahouna - The Buck Stops Here. So why did he get so involved with the Terry Shiavo case and why did he initially support stem cell research - he held a Prime Time News Conference laudung this potential medical break through - only to switch his position? Hmm. I guess that the opinion polls of the religious right are the only ones he flops for. O Brother.

El Piss-o Me Off-o

Jennifer Wilbanks, the notorious "run away bride" from Georgia was fined $12,000 for her stunt. Her pathetic antics tied up the already over worked rescue resources of the County where she lived. If she did not want to get married she could just have said NO instead of causing all the damage she did. But folks, it is now time for the kick in the head. She is being paid $1,000,000 to write her life story. THAT'S ONE MILLION DOLLARS. She should be deeply ashamed and deeply fined for what she did......NOT DEEPLY REWARDED. If you buy the book you are almost as big an idiot as her.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

A few BLOGS ago I made reference to Southeastern Wisconsin legend Ed Gein. It caused me to do some reflecting on this strange, demented, colorful character. As a child, my parents and I were driving to a family member's funeral and as we were entering a small town I saw a bill board that said "Welcome To Plainfield, Home Of Ed Gein." Of course, I asked my parents "Who is Ed Gein?" And they told me. Ed Gein was the person who the characters Norman Bates in the movie "Psycho" and Hannibal Lecter in the movie "Silence Of The Lambs" were based upon. Ed Gein however was a little bit weirder. If you are interested in the details, you can log on to the assorted "Ed Gein" web sites and read of his killings, cannibalizations, and wearing of and doing home decorating with assorted body parts of his victims. He died in 1984, but his memory will live on. Ewwwwwwwww.

It's Not O.K.K.K.

Edgar Ray Killen was found guilty of his involvement with the murder of three civil rights workers in Mississippi in the early 1960's. Hey, it happened over 40 years ago. Hey, the guy is now in his 80's. Hey, it is NEVER too late to right a wrong. Hate crimes against people because of their race, nationality or sexual orientation are not to be tolerated under ANY circumstance. I hope that Willard Scott sends happy 100 th. birthday greetings to him......in prison.

I Must Be Out Of Graphite

I always considered myself to be a hip, with it, cutting edge sort of guy. Guess again. My friend Feleshia told me about her interview last month on cable television by a "T-Girl." Huh? I thought that meant Marlo Thomas. Last night my friend Lucie called me and told me about her boyfriend's "Wet Test." For the three people out there - besides me - who aren't sure what that means, just think about it for a bit. I'm going to go watch my "Matlock" reruns and then switch over to "The Weather Channel."

Serial Governors

I was born and raised in Southeastern Wisconsin, an area that brought us such notable cannibalistic killers as Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer. I moved to Texas, a state known for it's cornocopia of colorful politicians the likes of non-inclusive, homophobic Governors George W. Bush and Rick Perry. I know, I know.....comparing cannibals with Governors is not really fair. My apologies to Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer.

The G.O.P. is now The W.C.P.

Banks change their names, so why not political parties? From now on the G.O.P. - Grand Old Party - will be known as the W.C.P. - White Christian Party. The idea of "Black Republicans" and "Gay Republicans" always baffled me. It's like being a member of "Jews For Hitler." And the funny thing is that white christians are actually proud of who they are. Then I guess that Nazis were proud of being Nazis and Klan members were proud to be members of the K.K.K. So, update your address books and change your letter heads. The name has changed, but the ideology remains the same. They still will let you ride in the back of the bus. Maybe.

Michael Jackson

We've heard the jokes and are pretty much tired of all the media attention. We all agree that Michael Jackson is a great musical talent. We all think that he is an oddity at best. Michael Jackson doesn't FEEL that he has harmed these boys. People who manipulate and use children in this manner rarely FEEL that they are doing any harm. It is a carefully orchestrated manipulation which the parents don't often see and the children never understand. The two people I know who were used in this manner when they were children were haunted by their experiences their entire lives. People who manipulate and use these children are not the stereo-typical man in the trench coat with a handful of candy, lurking in an alley. They are totally consumed with their obsession, are masters of manipulation, and usually put themselves in positions where they are able to act on their compulsions. We don't completely know the whys of their behavior, but it CANNOT be allowed to happen. I have personally seen the severe damage it creates. If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck.......it probably is a duck.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

I still think of you all- Kirk, Keith, Reed, Mark, Peggy, Glenn, Joey, Dan, Jean, and Mom. Miss 'ya.

HIPPO, HIPPO, HIPPO-CRITE

George Bush held a news conference the other day to reiterrate his opposition to federal funding for stem cell research. Sharing the stage with him were a number of children. George said that these kids were an example of the children that would not be exploited for the purpose of medical research. I guess that it is alright, however, to exploit them for political purposes. You know, Dub-Ya provides me with more material than Gracie Allen did for George Burns

Can We Say..........A-S-S-L-I-C-K

Dub-Ya is threatening to veto legislation that will loosen the restrictions on embryonic stem cell research. Never mind that this medical break through may hold the answers to a host of illnesses such as Parkinsons, Diabetes and Alzheimers. George doesn't want to offend his base support of lunatic zealots who oppose this type of research. When other nations make the scientific break throughs with this research, the opposing faction should be banned from reaping it's benefits. And George Bush should be deeply ashamed.

Here Comes 'Da Judge

Joan Lefkow, the Federal District Judge who's husband and mother were murdered by a right-winged lunatic, testified before a Congressional committee today regarding the killings. She cited the U.S. Marshall's Department for their misdirected priorities and the Reverend Pat Robertson for fueling the flames of the lunatic right-wing. Now Pat, shouldn't you be more concerned with the spiritual and immediate needs of your flock instead of getting them all worked up with your digusting rhetoric? As Bill Maher says, "Drugs are good............religion is bad."

Wild, Wild West

Republican Mayor Jim West of Spokane, Washington won election to office due in part to his strong, conserative, Christian family values. None of this liberal crap for him. He opposed gay rights and same-sex marriage. Of course there were some of those nasty rumors surrounding him. Politicians have to deal with them all the time. One of those rumors dealt with accusations regarding his diddling around with some under age boys years ago when he was a Boy Scout leader. He adamantly denies this hineous charge. A local news paper reporter decided to check into this. He went into a local gay chat line posing as a 17 year old boy. Guess who showed up? You got it. Mr. Mayor wanted to know about the boy's showering experiences and in fact offered this lad a job with the city. That's a no-no. The Mayor doesn't deny THESE reports. He is now taking a few weeks off to rest and recoup. God bless him.

THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING

Attention people! There is NO virus out there named "Jesus Loves You" or "9/11 Relief Fund" that will render your computer into a pile of goo. One of my friends who got me my first computer gave me the best advice: "If you don't know who sent it, DON'T OPEN IT." You will not be getting $2.00 from the Red Cross for every e-mail you send that says you can get $2.00 for every e-mail you send. The FCC has not opened the flood gates allowing telemarketers to call your cell phone and rack up your minutes. There is no sick kid in Phoenix who anxiously awaits your heartfelt e-mail "Get Well" card. You are not going to be charged for each and every e-mail you get. You will not be getting eternal salvation by praying the Rosary and forwarding a prayer to 20 people in the next half hour. I gave up on eternal salvation by 1976. So to all the suckers out there who believe this crap - have a field day with it. Just stop sending it to me. Thank You

Dumb and Dumber

Dayton, Tennessee and Dalton, Georgia are about 50 miles apart geographically. Phiosophically they are becoming "sister cities." Dayton is the place where the "Scopes Monkey Trial" was held more than half a centuary ago. Two years ago the city council passed a measure banning homosexuals from the community. The nation is still laughing at them. Last year at a "Gay Pride Rally" held there dozens of concerned "God Squad" members showed up with their bibles and their bull-horns to show their disdain for the sinning attendees. In Dalton the city council held a public meeting the other day concerning the Islamic Center's request to build a new and larger place on a larger tract of land. An over flow crowd filled the council chambers to express their outrage. The reasons for denying the Center's request were priceless. "I drive down that road and I don't want to experience another 9/11 there." "This country is God-fearing and we don't want those people here." Ad nausea. So folks, fear not - ignorance, predudice and bigotry are alive and well in the heart of America.

Ciao, Baby

You will never win an argument on the topic of abortion. It is an emotional subject and the opposing camps are firm in their beliefs. Personally, I'm a pro-choice guy.........hey, I just lost half of my audience. If it's possible, we will take a practical look at the subject. Author Steven D. Levitt, in his new book "Freakonomics," says that the reason that the violent crime rate has been decreasing the past 10 years is due in part to Roe v. Wade. There is less violent crime because there are less violent criminals. The first aborted fetuses after the ruling would now be in their 20's. We all know that children that come from unstable. unwanted home environments have a higher propensity for anti-social behavior. Ergo, these little darling fetuses never had the chance to grow up into the people who would be stabbing your grandmother and taking her Social Security check. Yeah, yeah, yeah........they never had the chance to grow up and become the next Abraham Lincolns either you say. Well, Abraham Lincoln - as well as all the other ground breaking Americans - did not come from psycho, crazy families. So there.

Larry's Dating Tips For Women

You are probably wondering what I - of all people - am doing dispensing dating tips for women. Well, I am constantly hearing the stories, gripes and complaints that women - as well as gay men - have regarding the men that they date. When a child sticks his finger in a light socket, he quickly learns not to do that again. So why do women continue to stick their fingers in the dating light socket? I have put together a list of tips that these women need to follow. TIP #1: When a red flag goes off about the man in your life - PAY ATTENTION TO IT! It is not a fluke, a one time occurance or something for you to ignore. Your instinct is CORRECT. A red flag on the road means that the bridge ahead is washed out and if you continue down that road, you will be plummiting into a deep gorge and be seriously hurt. Red flags are there for a reason. So, you have had your first tip. Let it sink in. There will be more to come grass hoppers.

Larry's Dating Tip #2

Get out your pens and paper because it's time for Dating Tip #2: If the guy you have been seeing for a reasonable amount of time is still dragging his feet about having you meet his family, it is for one of two reasons - 1. His family is littered with crazies, psychos and ex-convicts or 2. HE'S MARRIED. If this is the case, it's going to be a rather short termed relationship. So keep your Reeboks next to the bed, enjoy the sex, but you are going to be going rather soon. P.S.: Don't think that he will be leaving his un-happy home for your loving arms. HE WON'T

Larry's Dating Tip #3

Today's subject is on cheap skates. I guess that I come from the old school where the guy pays. Our mores may have changed a bit, but I think that there is nothing wrong with being a gentleman. So guys - PULL OUT THE WALLET. Dating Tip #3: If on your first date, your man takes you to a restaurant that has a drive-thru window and you can super-size your meal, you got's you a skin flint. It will be next to impossible to change him, so don't even try. Expect NO expensive jewelry from him. There will be NO exotic vacations. If he ever surprises you with an elegant bouquet of flowers he probably lifted them from a fresh cemetary grave. Being frugal is one thing. Being a tight wad is another.

Larry's Dating Tip #4

So, you are ready to dive back into the dating pool. Well, strap on those water wings, the goggles and hold your breath. Here comes Dating Tip #4: You are NOT going to meet Mr. Right at a club, at church or through the inter-net. The guy you met at the club may provide for a fun evening, but you are not in for the plot of a Julia Roberts movie. Through church you will most likely be meeting a wierdo or a control freak. There's a chance you may be getting a mama's boy. Pray, don't prey. With meeting a guy through the internet all I can say is DANGER WIILL ROBINSON, DANGER. Nothing good can come of this. NOTHING. If you want to meet a guy, do the following steps. First put finding a man way out of your head. Next, catch a very bad cold. Put on no make-up, slap on some jeans and a sweat shirt and don't fix your hair. Go to the store to buy some cold medicine and voilla - a man on a white horse will be heading down the store isle. It's that simple. Be sure to send me a wedding invitation.

Larry's Dating Tip #5

Vacuum cleaners are great for carpets, not for dating. HUH? I will explain this in dating tip #5: If the man you are seeing begins to tell you how to act, how to dress, who you can see and who you cannot see, you have a control freak. He will be SUCKING every last bit of self worth and self esteem you have out of you. Before you get to the point of having to get a restraing order out on him, before you have to go into therapy, before you have to go out and buy a gun, strap on those Reeboks once again and run. It will only get worse. NEVER BETTER. Trust me on this one.

Larry's Dating Tip #6

Mama said there'd be days like this. Dating tip#6: Remember those words of wisdom that your mother used to impart on you? Those annoying, stick your finger down your throat, crappy bon mots that you heard over and over? "Once a cheater, always a cheater." "Men are like busses. Miss one and another will come along in 20 minutes." "You can fall in love with a rich man as easily as a poor one." Ad nausea. I hate to say this, but they usually were correct. And one more thing. Put the pill bottle away now. You are going to be saying them to your daughters too. Ah, the circle of life.

Larry's Dating Tip #7

If your man does not have a job, he will be able to take you on a trip. A trip down deadbeat lane. Dating tip #7: If your man doesn't have a J.O.B., say B.Y.E. He doesn't have to run a major corporation or make life and death decisions involving thousands of people. HE JUST HAS TO WORK. If he is an auto mechanic, that's fantastic. He brings home a pay check AND he can work on your car. If he asks you to pay his rent or make his car-note............ arrivaderchie baby.

Larry's Dating Tip Epilogue

Alright ladies, you have survived my tip list. Congratulations. You ARE the superior sex any way. Hey guys, try child birth. So you got's you a man. He beats on you, cheats on you. He's a mama's boy, a liar and a lazy assed human being. He treats you like crap. He see's his parole officer more than he see's his mother. Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not give me the line....."But I love him." You deserve better. You are a viable, worthy human being. He is the scum that scum scrapes off the bottom of it's shoes. Take back your power, show the guy the door and begin to enjoy YOUR life. There are some decent guys out there. It may take a bit, but you CAN find one. Don't settle for less.