How Does The Man Do It?

George Bush has cut his 5 week vacation short by 2 days in order to survey the catastrophic damage left by Hurricane Katrina. Hey, give the man a rest. He hasn't had a vacation since April. But then again, you know George.....all work and no play.

Katrina

I have always felt that the true greatness of our country comes from the decency and humanity of it's citizens. I just got off the telephone with my cousin Melanie where most of our conversation concerned the hurricane that devastated parts of the Gulf Coast area. My cousin grew up in Louisianna, but now resides in Houston. She plans on opening her small apartment to a family whose lives have been turned upside down these last few days. Her unflinching reaction to this devastating horror has made me proud as well as humbled me. Melanie is so cool.

Pat, You're A Big Hit

I have a neighbor who annoys me. Perhaps a hit can be put out on him by Pat Robertson.

Welcome Aboard

My cousin Melanie has joined the hundreds of us who already have a P.C. in their home. Previously, if I wanted to e-mail her I had to do it through the computer she uses at the school where she teaches. Since the school monitors incoming posts, I could not send her the sick and perverted articles that I send to my friends. She has the coolest screen name, but since she has a tendancy to attract psychopaths - sort of like her cousin - I will not reveal it at this time. All I ask of her is to immediately delete any of those religious chain letters we often receive. Nip them in the bud. The same can be done with those annoying "too good to be true" offers. Just have fun and be patient. The knowledge of how to use these things will eventually come. If you have any problems, just have your 12 year old neighbor come over and he will gladly correct it. You go girl.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Hawaii is home for the new winners of the Little League World Championship. Congratulations boys. For winning the title, members of the team will now be able to eat for free at K.F.C. and McDonalds for one year as well as receiving a supply of Pepsi Cola. Perhaps it would have been better for the boys if instead they had been given a year's supply of steroids.

Does That Mean That The War Is Over?

Iraq has finally drafted a new Constitution. Can we go home now? Actually, George Bush said that he was going to stay the course and keep on going with his plan. The problem is that he was referring to his vacation.

Hey, I Thought That I Was The Crazy Guy

Tonight I received an e-mail from a friend containing an inspirational message which told me that if I passed it along to 7 other people, a special video message would appear on my computer screen. I will never find out because I do not participate in such e-mail behavior. Last night I was talking with another friend. During that conversation the subject of the impending hurricane Katrina came up. This friend told me that her husband knew how the approaching disaster could be stopped or at least severly slowed down. She told him to call a local television weatherman and pass along his doom saving knowledge. This friend has also in the past attended the funerals of celebrities she only knew through the media. Now, I do not claim to be the poster child for rational behavior, however even I don't participate in these types of activities. Perhaps I now have a better idea as to why these people tolerate my actions so well. I love 'em to death.

Run Pat Run

Pat Robertson, former Presidential candidate, assasination advocate, complete idiot and man of God is back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong going in reverse, down hill, regarding last week's comments made by him on his "700 Club" television show. He is now denying statements made by him advocating the assasination of Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez. I guess that he was unaware that his broadcast is taped. Got 'ya. Venezuela wants him extradited to thier country to face charges of advocating the murder of it's President. If this would happen, where would millions of Americans turn to in order to get thier spiritual messages? Thank God we still have the Bush brothers.

George Johnson / Lyndon Bush

George Bush's approval rating in the polls is falling faster than my remaing hair is in the shower. Portraying those of us who oppose our involvement in Iraq as non-supporters of our troops there could not be further from the truth. We feel that a proper objective has not been given and that those brave men and women fighting the war are not adequately supplied with the necessary impliments needed. It was origionally said that Iraq was equipped with weapons of mass destruction. This point was never proven. In fact, it is more likely that weapons of mass destruction are possessed by the nations of Iran, Pakistan and North Korea. Involvement in Iraq will not ease the threat of terrorism in the United States - in fact it will probably increase it. There are other, more effective means we can utilize. I'll be waving at George as he continues to fall and remember, no way did I vote for him. I guess that there is a sucker born every minute.

Praise The Lord And Pass The Ammunition

Pat Robertson, head of the 700 Club, has called for the assination of Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, because among other things, his ties to Fidel Castro. Pat makes writing sarcastic comments by me as easy as shooting fish in a barrell. As a side note, Terry Ann Mueson, Pat's co-host, was Miss America 1973. She was the only winner of that padgent from Wisconsin. I felt as though I had to say something positive.

Eric Rudolph, May You Rot In Prison

Eric Rudolph, convicted for the bombings at the Atlanta Olympics and at assorted Abortion Clinics, was given a sentence of 4 life terms plus 120 years for his hineous and cowardly acts. He smirked, laughed and rolled his eyes when victims voiced their opposition to his anti-abortion, anti-homosexual positions. Personally, I oppose the death penalty, however I really have no problem if Mr. Rudolph is taken under the wing of some big buck while he is in prison and used as his personal bitch, passed around to other inmates who will procede to stretch his rectal cavity into the size of Ohio. If Eric is good, perhaps they will give him a cigarette when they are done.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

People have a tendency to need an explanation for every aspect of their lives. Just because there are things we don't know. they do not have to be wraped up in neat little packages. Like religion. Another occurance in our lives has given us cause to over analize - what do our dreams mean? Unless you have terrifing nightmares, just close your eyes, go to sleep and enjoy the little senarios that occur. Mine are a bit surreal, but hey, they are rather interesting. I only wish that they would be a bit more carnal. Last night I had two good ones. I remember dreaming of visiting a friend working at a jewelry kiosk at a mall. In real life she is a realtor. After leaving her and proceeding to the UP escalator, I ran into an aquaintance getting off the DOWN escalator. She was a co-worker of my aunt's who happens to be dead for over 25 years. My other recalled dream involved my having a conversation with the second oldest son from "Malcolm In The Middle." During our conversation, he was wisked away by the police for posession of meth amphedamine. Why did I dream of these things? I don't know and frankly I don't care. I just am enjoying the ride.

Buffy And Jody's Sister

A Florida man has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for killing his 3 year old son by slamming his head into a wall. His reason for commiting this discusting act was because he felt that the boy was becomming a "sissy." I strongly suggest that while he is incarcerated he is extra careful not to drop the soap in the shower.

Don't Get Huffy

A photo-op took place when The President Of The United States invited the seven time winner of the Tour de France to go bike riding with him near his Crawford Ranch. Imagine, a guy known world wide for peddling crap all around riding bikes with.......Lance Armstrong

Confucius Say.................................

There are three types of people in the world..........................those who can count, and those who can't.

Confucius Say......................................

Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative.

Confucius Say............................

Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

The Bitch Is Back

I tried the sweet, sincere, from the heart approach in my last couple of BLOGS. It blew up in my face like a firecracker laced cigar. I guess that persona for me is like Tammy Faye without her makeup. For me, being nice and sincere fits me like a tight tank top t-shirt.......it just don't look right. So, it's time for me to return to my obnoxious, snotnosed, opionated ways. I'm alot more comfortable with that anyway.

Queens, Goddesses, Saviors Of The World

For those of you who have had the fortune of having your life's path crossed by Feleshia and Amanda, your "I Have Had The Fortune Of Knowing Feleshia And Amanda" t-shirt will soon be in the mail. Hanes, Jockey and Fruit-Of-The-Loom have all put on extra shifts. My friends and family positively adore these women. Every time that I talk with my father he asks, "How are the girls doing?" They all wonder how I can be so lucky having friends like them. Oh, they are not perfect. Feleshia cannot keep her craft beads separated and Amanda has a strange thing going on with Chex-Mix. Now you know the ugliest aspects of their lives. They have tolerated my assorted antics and strange pecidillos for more than a dozen years. They have helped me through all sorts of crisis' in my life. I have always known that things were going to be o.k. because Feleshia and Amanda are here. Their compassion is more wide spread however. Mother Theresa, Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr. could all learn a thing or two from them. And they throw the coolest parties. Lots of food, a great assortment of people and plenty to drink. I won't even mention the menagerie of animals in their home. They have also made admirable strides in their own personal lives - strides that they as well as their families should be rightly proud of. I am not going to try to figure out how I lucked out. I'm just going to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. At every rest stop I will however get out of the car, kiss the ground and thank my lucky stars.

Barry Mannilow Said It

Shortly before the upcoming Presidential Election a number of years ago, actress Sally Kellerman was asked who she intended to vote for. "Jerry Brown," was her reply. Why? "Because he was the only person who showed up to help me move," was her answer. In my book, that was as good a reason to vote for someone as I have ever heard. People who help you move deserve V.I.P. passes in Heaven. What prompted me to recall this story? On a recent Blog that I posted, I received a comment from a friend who happens to be a very good friend of some very good friends of mine. She is a person with more spunk, spark and passion for life than anybody I know. During a rather bleak period in my life, she was there for me. She helped move me without even being asked. She cared. She is among the list of angels in my life. Am I one fortunate son-of-a-bitch, or what? Thanks Mandy.

Don't Kick The Puppy

During my youth I readily admit to participating in some of the antics associated with my age. The use of telephones and toilet paper were intrical in these hijinks. Asking tobacco shops if they had Prince Albert in a can or calling relatives and inquiring whether their refridgerator was running were real knee slappers. I never got involved with shop lifting, assault or theft however. I like to think that was because of my strong moral standards, but it was more likely due to the fact that I really feared any possible ramifications of my actions. I recently heard of the theft of a park bench from the yard of some friends. Now I know that this was not the crime of the century, yet it really pissed me off. The bench never harmed anyone - it only wanted to look nice and be a comfortable place for people to sit. I hope that the thief has a miserable life and that assorted appendages on his body rot and fall off. He can also burn in Hell.

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

When I was born and placed in my mother's arms for the very first time, she told me that the first words she said to me were, "You look just like your father. Another stubborn, Norwegian blockhead." I have carried those words, worn like a badge of honor, my entire life. My social, political and religious beliefs have never wavered. As I have matured, I've noticed a few changes in my tastes however. I always considered pizza to be the perfect food. That is no longer the case. Pizza has now been replaced by migas. I always considered yellow to be the worst possible color for a car. Yellow cars now sometimes excite me. Milk chocolate had always been my chocolate of choice. It has been replaced by dark. Songs by Elvis Presley had me rushing to the bathroom to throw up, only after I changed the radio station. Now, I actually listen to them when they are played. Yes, I am a complicated and complex individual and I do have the ability to make changes in my life. A little bit.

Confucius Say......................................

Jesus loves you........................but then, so does Barney

Confucius Say.................

No one has the right to ask you what you do in your bedroom............................unless you've asked them to hold the camera

Confucius Say..............................

If you can't be a good example..........................you'll just have to be a horrible warning

Confucius Say......................

Men are like guns.....................keep one around long enough and you are going to want to shoot it.

Bend Me, Shape Me, Any Way You Want Me......NOT

Domestic Violence are two words that are incompatable with each other, contradictions of each other, and should not be paired together in our language. Sort of like Gay Republican. I didn't even know of it's existance in our society until I was 15 years old when I overheard my mother listening to a neighbor telling her of the unsettling occurances between the couple next door. This kind of behavior did not exist in my family, therefore making it a non-issue. I have never taken the simplistic view on the issue, such as "Why doesn't she just leave?" or worse, "What did she do to provoke it?" The subject contains many layers, although I do believe that the woman should not be held legally accountable if she pulls out a gun and shoots the bastard. Fortunately there are more and more support half way houses for these women and munincipalities are taking a tougher stance on the issue. As members of the community we must say, "It stops here and it stops now."

You Go Girl

I have always been puzzled as to why some people have such anger and contempt for homosexuals. It has always been my belief that what goes on behind closed doors between two consenting adults - or three, for that matter - should really be nobody's concern. I often hear the term "homosexual agenda" used as an excuse for their hatred. Now, I like to consider myself a somewhat enlightened individual, but the only "homosexual agenda" I ever heard of was Starbucks at 8:00, the gym at 9:00 and the tanning salon at 11:00.

www.OHMYGOD.com

You can now reach the Pope through his e-mail address at the Vatican. I am a bit surprised by this since the Catholic Church has traditionally been slow in embracing modern technology. Until now, their idea of a lap top has been an altar boy.

The Devil Made Him Do It

It has been revealed that a 79 year old priest at New York City's famed St. Patrick's Cathedral has been having an affair with his 45 year old secretary. Now, this isn't necessarily shocking news except for the fact that the secretary happens to be a female. Ah, those wild and wacky men of the cloth.

Duke It Out

A small brou-ha-ha has erupted with the opening of "The Dukes Of Hazard" movie. It seems that purists of the television show on which the movie was based feel that the film does not hold the wholesome family values that the series promoted. Now, I NEVER, EVER, EVER watched the show, however I have a vague familiarity with it. The two main characters were a couple of good 'ol boys in extremely tight blue jeans showcasing their well prounced.........shall we say, packages. They tooled around the area in a souped-up red Camaro enbossed with a confederate flag. The supporting cast had every southern, white trash stereotype covered. They even had a buxomy blonde wearing a cut off top and a pair of Daisy Dukes - her name escapes me for the moment - to give the male fans a bit of eye candy. So, how the film can "denegrate" this supposedly wholesome image escapes me. All I know is that there is no way in Hell that I will be seeing this pathetic piece of crap. Update: It has been brought to my attention that these good 'ol boys did not drive a Camaro......It was a Dodge Charger. I deeply apologise for this unfortunate error.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

As Americans we have much for which we can be proud. The inate beauty of our Constitution, the enactment of the Marshall Act following World War II and the assorted freedoms we posess come to mind. In turn, there have been aspects for which we should be deeply ashamed. Our historical treatment of people of color, interring Japaneese Americans during World War II and the way we reacted to returning Viet Nam War Veterans are a few which I can think of. Once again I watched the movie "Philadelphia" today and was reminded of another time in which we showed our ignorance and prejudice. Fortunately, there were people who took the high road and showed a decency and compassion for which we are to be proud. They didn't buckle under the nation's bigotry and our Government's inaction, instead taking to arms and providing the care and understanding so desperately needed. These are the people who elevated us collectively. These are the people who should make us proud.

He Must Be Bushed

The President is taking an extended vacation at his ranch in Texas in order to unwind. I would like to know, when did he wind?

Cheers For Charlie

"Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" is a stylized, visually appealing and down right entertaining movie crafted from the mind of Director Tim Burton. Johnny Depp plays Willy Wonka with great finesse, not as a freak, but as an essentric individual. I guarantee that you will enjoy every minute of this visual bon-mot. So go see it, damn it.